Some thoughts about dying

Quick update from me. Tomorrow (Monday) I should go into Winchester hospital to have some fluid drained from my abdomen. This may take some time and may not be successful - the fluid is distributed in pockets so they have to be careful to get the right areas. They could end up leaving the drain in for up to 24 hours. The plan is to go to the Hospice in Andover afterwards but when I last spoke to them, there was no guarantee of a bed - but I'm sure there will be somewhere. If not, I'll come home!

In the meantime, here is the promised blog about my views on death.

This is definitely an optional blog to read. I know some of my friends will be interested to know what I think - but for others it just won't be the right time or place. That's fine.

As death has been on the horizon for me for the past 21 months - and in the last few weeks that horizon has moved considerably closer, then it's not surprising that I have tried to clarify my thoughts and (being me) that makes me want to write them down.

A Facebook discussion group I'm in recently had an interesting debate about the word 'died'. Someone was complaining that when arranging the funeral of a relative, the funeral director refused to use the word 'died' and instead kept using 'passed on'. As is usual on Facebook, there were lots of comments, some helpful, some not so.

My conclusion was that it is very personal so I understand those for whom 'passed on' is preferable - but that I think it is important to use words honestly. I will use the words 'death' and 'died' - and you are welcome to use them about me (when it happens) too.

Just over two months ago, I sat with my mother just before she died. She had been living with dementia for years, and by the time she died, there was very little left of the vibrant and wonderful person she had been. She had been going downhill so slowly, for so long, that it was easy to imagine that death wasn't going to happen. Would she go on for ever? But, one day she was there, and two days later, she wasn't.

That is death. A full stop. Something which is going to happen to all of us. To me, to you. For definite.

And in the last few days I've realised that for me, it might not be too far off. 'Weeks to months, not months and months,' was what the consultant said, and from the rate my body is deteriorating, I sometimes think it could be less. Certainly concentrates the mind.

I was going to write this blog anyway, because I thought it might be interesting or useful for me to set out what I think about death. Perhaps it might be a comfort to some. And as it happens, it seems quite timely.

Most of my readers will know that I am a Christian - or 'stumbling follower of Jesus Christ' as I put it in the bio. The term 'Christian' often comes labelled with all sorts of baggage - self-righteous, intolerant, holier-than-thou for starters, not to mention bigoted, right-wing and preachy - none of which I hope describes me. Or for that matter, the vast majority of Christians with whom I have had the pleasure to walk through my life. (OK, there are a few who are politically to the right of me, but also good, loving and fun people to be with.)

But in my life I try to follow the example and teachings of Jesus Christ, and that faith has guided many of my major life choices over the years.

And so of course it shapes my view of death, although as you'll see below I'm not quite sure I follow the traditional line on this particular subject.

But. Let me start by saying that I don't know what will happen to me when I die. And because I don't know, I have to allow that there is a real possibility that the end is the end. The lights will go out, my conciousness will cease and I (my felt self) will be no more. Perhaps it's my scientist brain that has to be open to the fact that when my heart stops and my brainstem dies, then that is it. In a discussion over the dinner table a few months ago, this is the line that both my teenage sons took. 

And if that is what happens, then so be it. It could be worse.

But. But. But.

As a Christian, I do believe there is more than this. 

Death is a central theme of the Bible and a lot of the 'discussion', if that's the right word, is around breaking the link between death and punishment. As Christians, we need no longer fear death, because Jesus has already taken our (just) punishment on himself, so we can be free.

Here's where I probably depart from Christian orthodoxy. I believe in a God of love, that God loves me so much that God only wants the best for me. For that reason, I don't fear death, and all the Easter hymn words like 'Where O death is now thy sting?' feel a bit misplaced.

I can see that back in history, the fear of everlasting punishment was very real, and the teaching that Jesus's death on the cross had come to take away that punishment would have offered so much comfort.

But that fear is not something which resonates with me. (NB as I said above, other Christians will have different views!)

For me it is God's absolute love for me which comes first. God shows that love not from afar, but by getting stuck in, by becoming human - and not just human, a human, a particular person, Jesus, born in a particular time (around 2000 years ago) and a particular place (the animal section of a crowded lodging house in a remote part of the Roman Empire, during a national census).

After growing up with his parents and becoming a carpenter, Jesus set out on an itinerant ministry of service and teaching, which challenged his own religious leaders and their ways of thinking, as well as those of the Roman occupiers. Jesus was adamant that he was a king - but a king who rides a donkey not a stallion, a king who takes on the role of a servant (washing other people's feet), a king who chooses as his friends the outcasts of society, people with leprosy, prostitutes and tax collectors - and finally a king who wears a crown of thorns, not a crown of gold.

And after this life, Jesus was arrested, detained, tortured and killed on a cross. On the first Easter morning, Jesus appeared to a woman called Mary, spoke her name and sent her out into the world to tell people about him.

Whatever I suffer, I know that Jesus has gone first, walking that road of suffering ahead of me. And I hear his voice, calling my name. That is profoundly comforting to me.

So what do I think will happen when I die? The Bible talks a lot about 'life eternal' - which at face value could be pretty awful - circulating at some kind of endless heavenly drinks party where you have to spend your time chatting with the great and the good, singing hymns, and all the interesting people have gone elsewhere. 

But my reading of the Bible is that 'life eternal' is not like that at all. It is something something better, something more real, more good, more true, so that what we have experienced here on earth will seem like the practice, and what comes after is the reality.

One of the best analogies I've read is the end of 'The Last Battle' by C.S.Lewis. This quote is from chapter 15: 'When Aslan said you could never go back to Narnia, he meant the Narnia you were thinking of. But that was not the real Narnia. That had a beginning and an end. It was only a shadow or a copy of the real Narnia which has always been here and always will be here: just as our own world, England and all, is only a shadow or copy of something in Aslan's real world. You need not mourn over Narnia, Lucy. All of the old Narnia that mattered, all the dear creatures, have been drawn into the real Narnia through the Door. And of course it is different: as different from a real thing is from a shadow or as waking life is from a dream.'

I do think we will face judgement. But it isn't judgement in which scales weigh up the good and the bad we have done. But more judgement where we have to look into the face of someone we love and respect and account for ourselves, in the knowledge that forgiveness is there should we choose to accept it. I believe that most will accept that loving forgiveness, but there may be some that are so caught up in the self-justification of their acts that they will not.

Nice though it might be, I don't actually believe that we meet up with our loved ones after death. Jesus tells a couple of stories where this is the case, but I think those are more for the point he's trying to make, rather than describing heaven. Nor do I think that those who have died lean down and watch over the living. All that seems too trite and over simplified to be true. Others will disagree - and if I'm wrong, so much the better.

But ultimately I know that whatever happens, things are going to be OK. I know that I was created to be the person I am. I know that God is love and that I am loved by God, and that God wants only what is good for me. So why wouldn't everything then be OK - or even more than OK?

As I wrote in another blog a long time ago, 'All shall be well, all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well.'

And that's what I want you all to remember when I do die. I know that I am held in God's love. And so of course all things shall be well. 

But right now, it is sometimes hard to hold that. It is hard to be positive, when I'm not yet ready to go.

And the thought of leaving my husband and my boys just tears me apart.