The one I didn't want to post

View from our balcony

So we had an amazing holiday - cruising with the family up and back down the Adriatic. Ten days of sun, sea, amazing landscapes, beautiful cities, swimming, eating ice creams and time together. 

Here are some photos just to give you a flavour...

In Venice

From the walls of Dubrovnik

Coming in to Kotor, Montenegro

And finally chilling in Roda, Corfu

But now I've come back down to earth with a bit of a bump.

Literally. I feel (and look) about 5 months pregnant. My abdomen had started gradually to swell since about April or May, it shrank a bit with the last lot of chemo but has been growing ever since. Originally they thought it was mostly fluid, and I think that's what I was banking on.

In my head, I was hoping that the fluid could be drained, I could have some chemo and be back on track. Maybe I knew that this wouldn't be possible, maybe not, but somehow last week we managed to fit in an afternoon tea out at a swanky hotel, and a lightening trip up to Birmingham to watch athletics at the Commonwealth Games... Basically I think I was in denial!

On Friday we saw the oncologist, and the news isn't good. He feels (and I am in agreement) that further chemo wouldn't be helpful. So now it's just about trying to manage my symptoms as best as possible.

I had an ultrasound on Wednesday and a CT scan on Friday - and the consensus is that the swelling is mostly growth of the tumour, with some pockets of fluid. There was a suggestion that my bowel might be starting to block up but the CT scan didn't show any evidence of this, which is good news.

Over the weekend, we went to my nephew's wedding, which was on the family farm and was just the most special day. It was a chance to talk with family, which was good, and celebrate the good things together.

Yesterday I saw one of the nursing team from the hospice, who are going to help with symptom management. She's prescribed some different drugs to help my bowel stay calm and moving - and we're going to take it one day at a time and see how things go.

I've also now got a drain (which has to be done in the hospital) booked in for next Monday, and the plan is to go into the hospice after that for a few days recovery.

I also finished working yesterday, which was a big psychological step. I have been working full time - which has been brilliant at keeping my head in the 'normal' - but I think now is the time to stop, and to put family and friends first.

I don't know how long I've got. The oncologist said 'Weeks to months, not months and months.' Sometimes I feel it will be less. I do know that with pancreatic cancer things can go fast at the end. As always, the best plan is to take one day at a time.

I'm going to try and update this blog as often as I can - and I've got some thoughts I want to share about dying soon. But that's it for now.

If you are local and want to help, freezable meals for 3 (I'm not eating much) would be amazing. 

And wherever you are, your prayers / good wishes / positive vibes continue to uphold us all.

Thank you.