I have cancer

Just over a week ago, I found out that I have cancer. 

It still feels unreal. 

Bizarrely, I'm a very healthy person. I don't think I've had more than a couple of days off work for illness in the last ten years. I rarely get colds, I can't remember the last time I had flu, I've yet to break a bone. The only time I've stayed overnight in hospital was after having a baby.

I'm sure every cancer diagnosis feels unreal. Maybe in a bit, I'll start asking: 'Why me?'. Right now, I'm still just thinking: 'Really? REALLY?!' It's a weird and completely unexpected feeling. 

I have to keep going back to my memory of the meeting with the consultant. Keep remembering the image of the scan they showed us. The little patch of differently textured tissue in my pancreas, the other one in my liver.

But when I reflect on it, I also know that my body has been telling me that things aren't right. 

The first time I remember feeling pain was soon after the first lockdown - so it must have been late March or early April 2020. It felt like persistent indigestion that lasted for a few days. We were all stressed, it went away, and I didn't think much more about it. 

But it kept coming back and by July it was much more persistent. I tried the obvious things - cutting out coffee, milk, wine - none of them seemed to make much difference. I started keeping notes. On 25 July, I had a 'nagging ache in abdomen, under ribs and left hand side all morning. Lower back ache. Still feeling a bit bloated. [We had been out for a meal for my husband's birthday a couple of days previously.] After lunch felt better. Only v minor twinges afternoon and eve.' The next day there was no pain at all.

I started taking paracetamol - which helped - and my husband persuaded me to ring our GP's surgery.

The first person I talked to was the lovely nurse practioner, who got me to come down to the surgery so she could examine me. Nothing unusual but she did some tests. A couple of weeks later, I spoke to one of the doctors, and had some more tests. They then referred me for an ultrasound and a chest x-ray.

Nothing unusual was showing up and - apart from the pain - I was feeling fine. I'd taken up running over lockdown and I even managed to work my way through the 'Couch to 5k' programme.

The chest x-ray did suggest that my stomach was unusually full - but as it had been done on a Sunday afternoon, I think that was mostly my Sunday roast.

By September, my GP explained that he wanted to speed things up, and did an urgent referral to the gastroenterology team at the hospital. I'm so grateful he did.

That led to a CT scan of my abdomen and a gastroscopy to check out my stomach. 

The first alarm bells went off in my head when I got a phone call inviting me to an appointment with the consultant - in person at the hospital (pretty much every other appointment had been on the phone).

And...  'It might be an idea to bring someone with you', said the nice person on the other end of the phone. 'I'll be fine to come on my own,' I said, but she persisted and as I put the phone down, things suddenly clicked in my head. Shit. That's not good. And it wasn't.

This blog is dedicated to my special people: C, K and A. With love.