Waiting...

 So... this week has mostly been about waiting.

...

When I last posted, I was in self-isolation, waiting for a gastroscopic ultrasound, which was due to take place on Monday afternoon. Mid-Monday morning, we got a phone call from Alex, the wonderful Macmillan nurse, to let me know that they'd decided to cancel the procedure. After a weekend holed upstairs away from the family, with no hugs and minimal conversations, all at a distance, it was a tough one.

She explained that the MRI scan results on my liver were still a bit inconclusive - in other words, they still weren't sure if the liver lesion was a secondary (= bad news) or not. So they wanted to send the images down to the specialists in Southampton to look at before proceeding. Precautionary principle, makes sense to me.

And at least I could get downstairs, have lunch with my husband and hugs all round when the boys got back from school and college. 

Next date in the calendar, Alex told us, would be Wednesday, when they would have a Multidisciplinary Team Meeting to discuss the scan results. She would phone on Thursday.

More waiting.

Alex phoned on Thursday. Mixed news. The Southampton team have looked at my MRI scan. They still aren't sure about the liver. But the main lesion in the pancreas isn't looking great, it's encroaching on one of the blood vessels. They want to do a PET scan, and they want to go ahead with the gastroscopic ultrasound on Monday. After that it will be a referral to the oncology consultant and then probably chemo.

So now it's Saturday and here I am again. Waiting. 

I had another COVID test yesterday, it was negative, and I'm back in my bedroom self-isolating, with the prospect of the gastroscopy on Monday afternoon.

This time last week, I was still getting my head around the diagnosis. This weekend I feel more emotional. It's as though the feelings which I temporarily pushed to one side are gradually creeping back. Last week, the waiting was a welcome pause, now it's more frustrating. I'm feeling... annoyed, scared, occasionally a bit tearful.

But I'm also feeling incredibly supported by a network of family, friends, colleagues, former colleagues, people I haven't spoken to in years, people I only know virtually... so many people have got in touch to say they are thinking of me, praying for me, rooting for me.

So I'm going to hang on in with this waiting game. In the global scheme of things, a couple more weeks isn't going to make a difference. In a few months, I'll be looking back and I don't want to have wasted this time.

I need to start processing this emotionally, and that is going to take time. And it's also time to start looking ahead.

For the first time I've felt able to have a look through the booklet on pancreatic cancer which we were given at the first appointment. I've begun to Google things. I've read things which I wish I hadn't read and things which are encouraging. 

I've had more time to talk to friends, and to spend an evening at a virtual Race Night - everyone being in lockdown has some compensations! I've got piles of Lego to sort and put on eBay (don't ask) and there's online Christmas shopping to do.

I'll let you know what happens next week.

This blog is dedicated to Janin, Leanne, Ingrid, Ali, Mel, Sarah, Sheila and other halves. Thanks for a fun evening and good distraction!