Why blog?

So my first post was rather starkly titled 'I have cancer' - because that is the reality I've been trying to get my head around for the last few days. But I thought in this second blog I'd try to explain why I've decided to write a blog and what kind of things I'm hoping to write about. I also want to give a quick update on what's been happening.

The first thing to say is that writing and communicating generally is part of what I do for a living. I spend a lot of time thinking and talking about what words to use to engage people with issues like global poverty and international trade and climate change. So I guess it's natural for me to want to write things down.

And while it's occasionally OK to get a bit personal in a work blog, nobody really wants to hear about me particularly so it feels a bit of a luxury to be much more personal. A bit self indulgent maybe, but hey, I feel I can allow myself a bit of slack. I constantly nag my colleagues to be clear about the audience that they are writing for - but for the first time in my life I am going to deliberately ignore that rule (if I can) and write what I want to write. If you find it interesting, that's great. If not, well that's fine too. Maybe come back another time.

On a practical note, I know my friends want to know what's been happening to me, so writing it once in a blog does save me quite a bit of energy, and I suspect there will come a time when that makes quite a difference. 

I hope also that this might be of use to some others going through the same journey. Of course, I'm me, everyone's experience is unique and I can only talk about what I've gone through or thought about. Not everyone will find how I approach things helpful. But if just one or two people do, then it's worth it.

And the final reason for creating this blog is that I think it will probably be helpful to me to write down what is in my head and help to process it. Lots of you have been kind enough to save that the first post was beautifully written (thank you!) and very brave. Actually for me, being bluntly honest isn't really brave, it's just the way I process things. Being able to write about it and tell people about it is helping me come to terms with the reality of it. If I hadn't told people and been public about it, I think I would be in serious danger of just pretending that it isn't happening.

So back to practicalities, what's been happening? Well since Diagnosis Day (Thursday 12 November), I've had some more tests. 

First up was an MRI scan of my liver. The initial CT scan had found a small lesion in my liver as well as the one in the pancreas and they want to check if this really is a secondary. (If it isn't, it means the cancer in the pancreas hasn't necessarily spread yet which is obviously a good thing. If it is, well, not such good news...)

The MRI scan involved lying on my back on a trolly in a flimsy hospital gown with a heavy device over my midriff - I can only describe it as being something like one of those flexible magnetic iPad cases, only bigger. Actually quite comforting, like a heavy duvet. I was then pushed into the centre of the machine and talked at through headphones. I thought this might be unpleasantly claustrophobic but it wasn't too bad. The main challenge was trying to synchronise my breathing. A disembodied voice would periodically tell me to: 'Breathe in, breathe out, and hold...' with no warning whatsoever and I kept getting the ins and outs the wrong way round. And as we all know, the moment someone tells you to breathe normally, that is the hardest thing in the world to do.

I was due to have a CT scan of my lungs the following day, but they managed to fit me in straight after the MRI scan. Having the two scans in one day was a relief as it meant they only had to put one injection line into my arm, and of course saved another trip to the hospital. What was not so good was having to wait between scans in the corridor, not knowing when the second one would be, still in that hospital gown, with no phone, no watch and no coat or jumper.

The lung scan was to check if there are any secondaries in my lungs - which I understand is routine. The CT scan was much quicker and I had had one before. More breath-holding but somehow easier. It also involved an injection of iodine which gives you a very weird warming sensation in all sorts of peculiar places! 

I've got one more test to come before they will be able to suggest some courses of treatment. That's a gastroscopic ultrasound which is due tomorrow. They will put a tube down my throat into my stomach and the top of the small intestine and scan the pancreas (which is right next door, anatomically speaking). They may also take a biopsy from the pancreas throught the stomach wall.

I had a gastroscopy a couple of weeks ago as part of the original set of tests and I have to admit I'm not looking forward to this. But they are going to give me conscious sedation this time so I think that will help.

Because it is a much more invasive procedure than the scans, I had to have a COVID test on Friday morning and am now self-isolating within the house until I go to the hospital tomorrow afternoon. We are lucky enough to have a bedroom with an en suite bathroom, so my husband is banished to the spare room and I've had my meals delivered to the door! (Although I have also been able to go down before everyone else is up in the morning and take the dog out for a walk - again we are lucky to live on the edge of town so I can walk straight out into the fields.)

I've found that a couple of days away from the family has on the whole been good. I've had some good long phone calls with friends, I've been given a long list of jobs to do (mostly online shopping) and I've had time to set up this blog.

A final thought on the title - 'Walking through fire'. In the last week both a friend from church and my sister have sent me these verses from the book of Isaiah in the Old Testament. (The start of chapter 43 if you fancy looking it up.)

'When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord, your God,
Since you are precious and honoured in my sight, and because I love you,
Do not be afraid, for I am with you.'

The blog is dedicated to everyone walking through fire right now.